


Empty Rooms & Broken Hearts

by Traumzauber



Series: What has been left unsaid... [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel Becoming Canon On 5 November 2020 (Supernatural), Destiel is canon, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Episode Fix-It: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Fix-It of Sorts, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:35:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27700777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Traumzauber/pseuds/Traumzauber
Summary: ...the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever…Forever.Dean tries to cope with Cas’ death. He’s not doing very well…
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: What has been left unsaid... [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024836
Comments: 11
Kudos: 30





	Empty Rooms & Broken Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Each part in this series is an independent one-shot. But you could probably read part 1 and 2 together.
> 
> Also, this one is placed during the beginning of 15x19.
> 
> Attention: This one is a really sad one without any hopeful ending like the last one had. It is supposed to hurt. I wanted/needed something like this for the show and Dean wouldn’t have any hope in that moment. I wanted to feel Dean’s grief about Cas’ death together with him.  
> So if you don’t like sad endings please don’t read it. You’ve been warned.
> 
> And I know, I probably sound like a broken record by now, but thank you [noxsoulmate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxsoulmate/pseuds/noxsoulmate) for always being there. Not just as my amazing alpha- and beta-reader but also as a friend. I would probably never finish anything if it weren't for your encouragement and excitement.💙💚

Dean had no recollection of how he ended up here and how long he had been staring at the closed door in front of him.

It wasn’t just any door. It was _his_ door. Cas’ door.

The door to his own room – which, technically, he had never needed. 

They had given it to him anyway, to show him that he had a home. That he belonged here. That he was part of their family.

And now he was gone.

Dean took a deep, steadying breath and reached for the doorknob. The door swung open and revealed the empty room behind. 

They had left the room untouched - just like they always did when Cas had left. Just like Dean had never touched it when Cas had told him goodbye and had declared to move on. It always stayed the way it was. Because it was _Cas'_ room.

It made the absence of its owner all the more palpable.

Dean stepped over the threshold and turned on the light. He always thought that the lights down in the bunker were too dim in these windowless rooms, but honestly, lighting was never their top priority on their to-do-list.

The room felt strange. Tidy, as he was used to with Cas, and yet so clearly lived in by his angel. Everywhere were little signs of him.

Dean had never paid much attention to how Cas had spent his free time when he stayed with them because he had usually only used his room at night when Dean and Sam were asleep. The rest of the day, Cas had prefered to spend time with them.

Dean wandered over to the desk .  Some written pages lay spread out across the desk. They looked like unfinished letters but Dean couldn’t know for sure because they were written in enochian. Who would Cas write letters to anyway – and especially in enochian?

Maybe he could ask Sam about it but then again, Dean had a feeling that this would invade Cas’ privacy.

Above the desk was a single bookshelf with maybe a dozen books on it. Most of them were classic and new novels but Dean huffed out a laugh when he saw that there were even some textbooks. 

Of course, Cas would read a scientific book with a title like _God Created the Integers_. He had always been so curious about how humans see the world and its origin.

Dean let his eyes wander through the rest of the room when another book caught his eyes. This one was laying on the nightstand. It was probably the one Cas had been reading last. Right before… before… 

In a spur of the moment, Dean snatched up the book from the bedside table and gazed at the colorful cover. It was another one from Stephen Hawking and this time, Dean downright smiled as he realized it was a children's book with the title _George's Secret Key to the Universe_.

Dean sat down on the bed and leafed through the pages, wondering what Cas had been thinking when he had found this particular book. Had the angel even realized what kind of book it was?

He was still smiling about Cas and how adorable he was when it came to things like this... when he noticed the bookmark towards the end of the book, sticking out of its pages.

Following a feeling he couldn’t explain, Dean turned to the marked page. 

The bookmark was obviously a photo, but it was backside up. Dean turned it and his smile disappeared.

It was a photo he had never seen before. A photo of him and Cas.

Even though he didn’t remember that the photo had been taken at all, he knew exactly _when_ it had been. It was the ghul-case at the graveyard.

Their first case after Cas came back from the Empty. After he died the last time… 

In the picture, they were in a motel room – clothed in their cowboy attire. 

Picture-Dean was beaming with excitement and Cas looked at him with a fond expression – albeit a bit of an exasperated one, if Dean was being honest.

Seeing it now, Dean remembered how happy he had been that day. Not only because he got to dress up like a Texas ranger; but mostly because they got _Cas_ back. He had needed that win so much.

But he also remembered how devastated he had been in the weeks Cas had been gone and they had thought they could never get him back.

He hadn’t only lost his best friend. Of course Cas _was_ his best friend… but even back then, Dean knew his grieving wasn’t just about the friend he had lost. 

Dean would never admit it to Sam, but that night at the house in the woods? When he had killed himself to save that boy? Yeah, he had actually hoped he wouldn’t make it back… 

Of course, Billy had known right away, had called him out for it during their little talk. And he had never denied it because she was right. He’d wanted it all to be over. 

He’d wanted the peace and the blissful nothingness of the Empty – just like Billy had promised while she had still been a Reaper.

Dean huffed and smiled sadly about that thought… Who would have known that, back then, he would have been reunited with Cas?

But when Jack had brought Cas back from the Empty, Dean had felt… _free_. Like he could finally breathe again. He had found his will to live again. 

And for a short while… for a few months… everything seemed alright. Despite their fight, despite all that was going on, despite _everything_ … it had been alright. Because Cas had been alive!

_...the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever… _

Forever. 

The word resounded in Dean’s head over and over again.

No do overs anymore. No way back.

Dean couldn’t think of anything to defeat the Empty or even to bribe it with to get Cas back.

Once again, he had lost all hope of getting Cas back.

And it _hurt_. It hurt so damn much he could barely breathe.

He stared down at the photo and the first tears pricked at his eyes.

He would never get him back. He would never see this look on Cas’ face again.

The first tears fell onto the picture and Dean quickly wiped them away. He carded a hand through his hair.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice was thick with tears and raw because he had barely spoken in the last few days.

“Cas, I don’t know if you can hear me. I hope you do–” 

He took a deep breath.

“I-I just… I just want you to know–” Dean broke off again, not able to find the words for what he wanted to say.

“I’m just barely hanging in here, man. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I try to be strong for Sam and for Jack. But I know they’re not buying it.” 

Dean scoffed, tears still streaming down his face. 

“How could they? Half of the time I’m dead drunk.” 

He grimaced at his own admission, scoffing once more.

“I know what you think. That you’re not important. That you’re replaceable – only a tool for us. But how could you believe that?” 

Dean took another calming breath.

“I know I made mistakes – so many mistakes… I wouldn’t have held it against you if you’d turned your back on me and left a long time ago. But…”

His lips quivered, the salty tears wetting them. 

“You were _never_ unimportant to us. You were _never_ replaceable… for me.” 

The last words were barely a whisper.

“And you were wrong, you know? The… the one thing you thought… you thought you can’t have–” 

Dean was no longer sitting on the bed but slumped on the floor – the book dropped from his limb hands but the photo still clutched tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry I haven’t told you. I should have told you–” Dean sobbed.

“I… I love you too,” his voice was breaking. “I love you, and I never got to tell you,” he rasped. “You never got to hear–”

He leaned his head into his hand, trying to get his shaking under control, no longer able to form any words. But he wasn’t done yet. He wanted – he _needed_ – to say this one more thing. Drawing in a deep and shaky breath, Dean looked heavenwards. 

“You sacrificed yourself and left me behind and I don’t know what to do. Cas, I– I just– I can’t–”

_ I just can’t take it anymore. _

_ Please come back. _


End file.
